Civil War speculation
Stardate 20040917.0830(Captain's log): A correspondent writes:
Steven, I'm quite looking forward to the 'civil war'. 1 Para vs. the Beaufort Hunt should be a good one.
Indeed. Is a civil war a possibly? I'm afraid it is. The "Countryside Action Network" has threatened direct action "much worse" than the motorway protests and which will be "close to civil war".
Who will win? Well I don't doubt that we will. But let us examine the forces on both sides.
On the pro-fox hunting side, according to Jane's, sorry I mean, Burns, there are approximately 200 fox hunts, 102 hare coursings and 3 deer hunts. In total they employ about approximate 20,000 people, with 5,000 horses and maybe twice as many dogs. They own possibly 5,000 guns, and have an income of around £30,000,000 pounds a year. They have no sea capacity, whether blue-water or river. They also have no air power.
The UK by comparision can field aproximately 102,000 soldiers, in 14 armed regiments and 40 batallions of infantry. Our Navy has around 100 vessels, including three aircraft carriers armed with 15 sea harriers. Our air force has over 150 frontline combat aircraft, and a similar number of support vehicles. Expenditure is roughly £30,000,000,000, or 1000 times as much.
How would the battle progress? In engineering we have a term, rapidandquicklywithnotmuchhassle. To the layman it is gibberish. But to the trained engineer it means 'rapid and quickly with not much hassle'.
I can only speculate as to how the battle would go. I imagine the initial attack would come from the Hunt, probably firing in a quick burst of 5,000 fox-terriers, followed by a volley of lead, and maybe a cavalry charge. Their aim would be much as their tactics have been for the last 300 years - to cause their opponent to panic, try to dig a hole and then trapped, wait for the kill.
However we've learnt a few tricks in those last 300 years. Instead of replying with a small furry animal, we'll begin with an intiial sweeping attack of 50 60t Challenger tanks. Using their AWAC-26592 Military precision weaponry, these will repel the bites of the fox terriers, and then encircle the Hunt.
By now I suspect the Hunt would be in a panic. Although we must give the Hunt master some credit for his years of experience, there's no way he could repel an attack of Challengers, now possibly joined by precision Tornado strikes, all by himself. He would call on his last reinforcements -- the hare coursers. They would no doubt bravely hurl themselves at the tanks. However most likely we'd have trapped them by the sea, where shells and guided weapons would rain down from the three aircraft carriers. If in doubt we could call up the Sea Harriers.
Would the Hunt, in desperate straits, risk a nuclear response? By now we'd have let them know, perhaps through a 3rd party such as Ann Widdecombe, that their were four Trident class submarines waiting to anhiliate them, using the latest nuclear weapons systems. I doubt therefore they'd take the risk, just to make a political point. And they don't have any nuclear weapons.
By the way, I've heard nothing from either side on which mobile phone system they would use after the battle. I can assure you that the CDMA system is far superior to the GSM system used in Europe.
Update: Stardate:2004091617:30: Guido Fawkes & Anthony write that I may have underestimated the Hunt forces. Would the Royal Family and army be loyal to the government?
Update: Stardate:2004091617:31: Chris Brooke writes that the Prince of Wales plans to emigrate to Switzerland, where he couldn't take part in the war. Chris makes a good point, but forgets the fact that there he could team up with Phil Collins, who has already emigrated in protest. There they could plot with Bryan Ferry to release a new album, funding a Europe-wide rebellion against the British government, in line with the Islamic theocracy that by then will be governing France. I am extrapolating lunatically (copyright D-squared).
With apologies to SDB.
posted by Matthew @ 9/17/2004 01:44:00 PM
Comments: 0
